So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
