Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
