Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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