dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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