I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
