cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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