Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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