so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
and you fell through a lawn chair
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
