It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize