We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
