My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize