if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this will be a night to untag.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
