Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
