I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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