just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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