I met the friendliest cop last night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
