I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
