don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
