I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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