So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize