god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
is that a dick in a sweater?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
