Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
