Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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