I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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