i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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