a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
