I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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