I will die if light touches me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
