sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
