well I can't set my house on fire every night
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
