i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I have peed in a lot of sinks
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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