You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize