The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
