apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
