So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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