just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
