Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
