she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
