Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
