I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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