I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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