I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
