Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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