How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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