you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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