The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
