I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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