what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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