The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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