At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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