Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
