just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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