today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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