is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
