I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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