and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
