He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
