who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
