Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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