He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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