Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
